5 Types of Assholes

I was once in a long term, committed relationship. Yes we were in love. Yes it was broken, and flawed, and fell to pieces. I’d like to think we were young, and made too many naive mistakes to build a mature relationship on. I don’t regret this. Statistics would prove many young couples not able to withstand the pressures of life, and last forever.  I guess I fall within the odds. We grew apart and gave up. Joy to Facebook for letting me watch as he gets married, and finds the woman of his dreams. As much as it repels me to think I’ve spent five years single, while he moves on with his beautiful, perfect, princess – I am happy for him.

You might be thinking: “What does this have to do with assholes? Get on with it woman!” Patience readers, I’m getting to it.

I have been single and dating for the past five years. In these five years I have met and dated all sorts of people and am in awe at the madness of today’s dating world. Five years, and not one solid relationship that makes sense to me or stood a chance at a future. “Sorry, I don’t feel that connection and don’t want to pursue this any further”. Simple, is it not? I’ve said it, and it’s been said to me. It is a fair and acceptable statement.

I have come to the conclusion that there are 5 types of assholes:

1. The Bully Asshole:

This is the first asshole you’re likely to meet. For those of you who think you’ve never been bullied. LIES. This asshole comes to you in all different characters. He/she can be your typical bully. They pick on you in the school yard, beat you up in front of your peers, and crack hurtful jokes that are applauded by others; but they can also be one of your friends. They can pick apart your appearance or laugh at you behind your back. They are likely to have many friends but are secretly hated. These people are fascinated by winning, power and/or violence. They are annoying and condescending towards others and will harass you to no extent. These are the assholes that create assholes. We all know and have experienced them, but what made them assholes to begin with?

2. The Daddy Asshole:

Okay, maybe I should have called this type of asshole “the parent asshole” or, “the social/personal history asshole”. We all know bullies get their asshole genes from somewhere. Something they’ve witnessed at home or the lack of love and warmth from a parent. Not a whole lot to say here and also not a whole lot we can do about it. Some parents were never meant to be parents. It’s sad that there are a lot of children in the world that don’t have a safe and loving home. I myself can relate to “the daddy asshole”. Truth is the only way to win that battle is to make peace with it. Your life is what you make it, and the past cannot define you unless you let it.

3. The -In-Your-Face- Asshole:

The fact that this type of asshole gets more social recognition for negative behaviors than for positive ones is a huge contributor to being an asshole. When we think of entertainment for example. Reality TV stars and comedians base their careers on being assholes. We find it funny to watch an audience member be ripped apart by a comedian. If we do this at our workplace it’s called harassment, but go ahead and bash me in public. I really hate using comedians as an example because I’ve been on that stage myself. I can take a joke, and I can handle a bully, but what I can’t handle are the assholes that let all of this make them into:

4. The Ultimate Asshole:

The ultimate asshole sees that negative behavior being recognized. He/she loves attention and thrives on being the center of it. This is the asshole that knows he’s an asshole. I’ve dated many of these recently. He’s the guy that tells you he’s not looking for a relationship but will let you fall in love with him anyways. Or for a man, it’s the girl that will stick with you out of boredom until she finds someone “better”. They justify themselves with, “I told you I was an asshole.” Like we’re the idiots who should have known better. These are the cheaters and players of the world. They usually have their own set of issues, and make the whole world revolve around them. They walk all over you and shit on you – metaphorically speaking of course. They make life look easy, but only if you can manage to turn off your soul. You sometimes wish you could be like them just to experience that satisfaction. You don’t because you pride yourself on being a good person. They are the ones that make you feel crazy when all you are is hurt.

5. The Nice Guy Asshole:

I save this one for last, because he/she is the most deceptive. The nice guy asshole will fool you until the very end. This person sincerely believes themselves to be good, but they are lost.  They manipulate themselves, therefore manipulate you. Being selfish is not a crime. We live in a society where you need to be a little selfish to survive. It’s an instinct when you’re hurt, hungry, or scared. You need to take care of yourself first. The nice guy asshole uses this as their scapegoat. “I need space to find myself.” “I’m fucked up.” “You are too good for me.” “It’s not you, it’s me.” Yes. That line. I myself was this asshole at one time or another. I am sorry for it, and the people I hurt while finding myself. Part of being human is struggling to understand yourself, and yes, sometimes you use others to do so. Compassion can easily turn into pity and ignorance. Good and bad. Quality and fault. It is unfortunate that others get hurt in our path to self-realization; but the irrefutable assurance of our own direct experiences is the only way to improve our knowing.

Moral is: Life will throw a lot of assholes your way. Acknowledge it, accept it, and learn from it. Most of all – and most importantly of all – don’t let it get you down. Forgiveness is not a weakness, it is strength. Retribution is an assholes fuel source, and silence is their killer. Don’t retaliate, and you’ll be just fine.



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