So I’ve been acting especially crazy lately and I’m not sure why. I’ve been monitoring my sugar intake, eating healthy, exercising regularly; but nothing seems to calm my inner-hyper-weird. My co-worker predicts it’s the moon. So I double checked, and it is in fact a full moon tonight. Coincidence? I think not!
According to ancient philosophers, the moon affects human behavior and health by its gravitational pull on body fluids. Which totally makes sense because we all know the moon affects the tides (water), and our bodies are predominately made of water. Ding, ding, ding—winner! My solution to end all crazy is to blow up the moon.
I did my research and googled “what if the moon blew up?” Apparently it would be sunny all the time, there would be extreme climate changes, and our planet would become a lot less inhabitable. That solves our depression issues as well as our population crisis. It’s a win-win! Goodbye anxiety! Goodbye panic attacks! I speculate that we’d turn into Water World (which is awesome) and eventually like Mars (not so awesome), but only over the course of a million years; which is somebody else’s problem.
I also suspect that blowing up the moon would impact time as we know it, so I would then move to exclude Friday the 13th, and Mondays from our calendar. I mean, if we want to cure mental illness by blowing up the moon, let’s do it right and eliminate all triggers.
I know my idea is a little extreme and irrational (I blame the moon), but it’s this type of forward thinking that’s going to change the world—for the better. We should also be stealthy while planning this. We don’t want to piss off the Aliens living up there who’d ultimately be collateral damage.
Hasta la vista, moon!